The Mt. Rushmore Project/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW They might carve a statue of, say, paul bunyan's ox. They'd rather carve a statue of themselves, but they know nobody will go look at it. Men would rather live in reflected glory than have none at all. That's why they wear team jackets. It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are. [ horns honking ] [ jazz music plays ] [ geese honking ] [ ducks quacking ] [ water splashes ] if you're looking for hot dogs with all the trimmings, man, have you come to the right place. Or how about a little turkey? That's harold I'm talking about. Ranger gord -- we're gonna see him. Ranger's just been out there a while, hasn't he? And winston's gonna try and get a word in. And now here's a guy who needs no introduction. Red: Thank you. Thank you very much. And here's a guy who needs more introduction that I have the stomach to give him, my nephew, harold. Wa-a-a! [ electronic beeping ] hello. Bunch of us sitting around the lodge last night, kind of chowing into the pork and beans, and we started thinking about ways we could make money. We've been doing an awful lot of that lately. He means "just sitting around" and the "pork and beans" part. That's what they do a lot of. [ chuckles ] yeah, as opposed to the "making money" and "thinking" part. Ha! You know, it occurred to us that a lot of people will pay big money to see those attractions like, uh, grand canyon or niagara falls or even that giant sleeping giant sleeping giant giant thing they got up there. And you know what these things are? These are natural wonders. So, naturally, we're wondering, what about rock reef point? Harold, what do you see when you look at rock reef point? A rock... A reef, and a point. Harold, don't use your eyes. Use your imagination. Oh. Okay, well -- oh, all righty. Well, on a clear summer day, you know, really late in the day, sometimes I see a maruvian space station. You know, it's got twin landing pods, and it's got those peripheral phaser outposts, you know, that protect the microwave transporter base. And it sits directly in front of that computer-enhanced digitally beta screen thing. It's a sleeping possum. That's what it looks like, harold. [ laughs ] whoo! Okay! I didn't see that! It looks like a giant sleeping possum made out of granite lying on its back. Well, where's the legs? Where are they? Well, we'll add them on. We'll make them out of plywood. How about the head and the tail? Same thing, harold. Doesn't matter. We've got the body. That's the tough part. So, once we get all that stuff glued on there, we're gonna advertise it as "the giant sleeping possum made out of stone." why don't you leave it as it is and advertise it as "the giant sleeping possum that was run over by a train"? [ laughs ] whoo! [ keyboard clacking ] you know, on this job, I'm always supposed to be watching out for forest fires. But once in a while, I've got this incredible urge to blink. But I don't. [ pulley squeaking ] [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ oh, you hear a lot of talk about spinach and soy ♪ ♪ and which one makes the perfect supper ♪ ♪ but when it comes to that, I'll tell you, boy ♪ ♪ you can't beat peanut butter ♪ ♪ easy to cut, easy to chew, ♪ ♪ and never goes hard as a rock ♪ ♪ peanut butter is the one and only food so good ♪ ♪ it made mister ed talk ♪ [ water splashes ] all right, that special lady in your life has got a birthday coming up, and you have absolutely no idea what to get her. Now, just 'cause you're close, that don't mean she's gonna want them power tools that you've been eyeing, eh? And -- and never, never, never, never, never go into a ladies' clothing store, all right? 'cause you're just gonna end up buying something that the manager never thought she'd sell to anybody with working eyesight. You know, like, guys who hate shopping should never find themselves in a women's clothing store, eh? You're gonna just walk out with some dress made out of, like, carpeting or something, eh? Or the ugliest see-through nightie in the world, full of them, like, happy-face patches. And you got to be careful you don't buy a gift that she takes as an insult, you know, like, say, a membership to a fitness club or dance lessons... Or a face-lift coupon. I recommend cash, eh? It's the gift that keeps on going. All right, well, you know what you could do? Either buy something to eat or something that dies. Like a pet. No, like flowers. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. 'cause, I mean, you know you're gonna make a mistake, but with food or flowers, you know, there's a life expectancy there. You can throw them out. It's okay. Whereas when you get one of them jelly-filled glow-in-the-dark combination neck massager and beer cooler with the built-in digital clock and replica swiss army knife, they go on forever. You know what I think the best gift is? Just spend some quality time with the little missus. You know, take them to one of them classy restaurants where they got real metal cutlery. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that'll show her that you think she's something special, all right. Unless she'd prefer the cash. [ ducks quacking ] [ coughs ] well, with rock reef point about to become the number-one tourist spot in the area, I think it's up to the residents of possum lake to make those tourists feel at home by taking as much of their money as possible. And the best way to do that is by selling them overpriced food. So, today on the "handyman corner," I'm gonna show you how you can make a portable snack counter. [ zip! ] you know today's ubranite -- everything is go, go, go. So, you want to sell them anything, you got to be on the go yourself. That's the beauty of this unit right here. Alls you need is a piece of kitchen countertop and a couple of old seatbelts that were just wearing a hole in the back of your pants anyhow, and you're all set. Just pick her up, and you can follow your tourists down the street or even into the woods, preparing food as they check out the various sites. Next up, pick yourself up a bunch of these small appliances, which you can get at a yard sale or whatever. Might get an old toaster or one of these hot-air popcorn-popper units or a camp stove or -- so, you get the idea of it. Now, if you need electricity for some of these, 'cause they're electrical appliances and they use that type of thing, what you want to do is get yourself, uh... A shopping cart. Now, a lot of the seniors use these, so they're easy to borrow or whatever. And what you want to do is open that up and, uh, fill that up with some of the car batteries. And then you want to cut the, uh -- cut the handle here right in half so she'll thread through your belt loops. Makes it easier for towing. Now, to, uh -- to connect all the appliances onto the counter, we can drill holes and bolt them in there, or we could glue them on with some sort of a polymer adhesive there, but that would probably ruin the, uh, marble laminate fake stuff. So instead, we're gonna use the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. Well, she's starting to take shape, isn't she? Got everything laid out here just the way I want it. Got the popcorn maker there at the end. I got the toaster next to that. They're both sitting on top of my microwave oven there. That's all plugged into the batteries, of course. And I got the camp barbecue -- kind of a neat little thing. Briquettes are a little scary. And over on this side, I got the, uh, deep fryer, and I got the crepe maker. I got the donuts there. I got the drinks. And I got a little hot plate over here. And I got a little, uh, hot chocolate, cappuccino or something. And this here in the tap holes, something real neat here -- ideal for the condiments. I just reach down underneath, give them a squeeze. Got myself some ketchup. Want to add a little mustard to that. No problem. Let's fire her up. No, maybe "fire" is a bad word. Well, there. I got her working now, and I can follow those tourists anywhere they want to go, making food for them. Even if they're not on the go, they certainly will be after they eat this stuff. So, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Here's cooking at you, kid. Stay tuned and see what not to do with one of them radio-controlled model airplanes, and I'm gonna make an ear bigger than prince charles'. I want to talk to all you guys who are just celebrating your 50th birthday or just getting over the hangover. You'll know what I'm talking about when they bring in the birthday cake and tell you every candle represents a decade. You know, when you get to midlife, a lot of times you stop and reflect on your accomplishments, your position in the community, and your career and your family situation, and a lot of times you come to the conclusion that life stinks and you really blew it. But, you know, you got to look on the bright side. Actually, almost everybody's life stinks. Hardly anybody gets what they want. Millionaires want to be billionaires. Married guys want to be playboys. Playboys want to meet someone worth marrying. Maybe you regret not marrying that first girlfriend when you were both sweet 16. But remember -- you're not sweet 16 anymore, and neither is she. If you passed each other on the street today, you'd both be thinking, "boy, somebody's really let themselves go." so, if you're sitting there thinking that your life is over and you really blew it, remember, your life is only half over and you only half blew it. So, get out there and finish the job. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Well, the project to turn rock reef point into a giant sleeping possum has hit a few snags. I made the left ear. Stinky made the right ear. And moose thompson made a head out of hollow plywood. Why would he make the head hollow? Working from experience, I guess, harold. And then stinky attached a sheet-metal tail to the end over there, and then the wind come up, and we had a real problem. Yeah, I know! A big wooden eye went flying past my bedroom window. Thought I was in the twilight zone. You are, harold. [ chuckles ] the whole face went up and smashed to a million bits on top of rock reef point, but the metal tail swung down, jammed right into the rock face, and we noticed what we had there. We had a rock face with a giant metal tail jammed in there for a nose. Did you notice who that looked like, harold? Oh, yeah, it was amazing. Yeah. Looked just like a guy with no face and no hair and fake possum tail for a nose. Exactly -- john a. Macdonald. Ronald mcdonald's brother? Sir john a. Macdonald, harold, the first prime minister of canada. Now what we're gonna do is put another face on each side of him there. We can have a natural formation like that mount rushmore they got in the states. Uncle red, those faces are carved into that stone of mount rushmore. It's not a natural formation. You should talk. Well, all right, fine. If they can carve them, we can carve them. What we'll do is put some faces up there of the men who've made this country as great as it is, harold. Oh, great! The fathers of the confederation and wayne gretzky! We're here at fire tower 13 with the man who stands on guard for trees, ranger gord. Thanks a lot for coming, red. All right. No problem. Thanks a lot. Okay. All right. Okay. All right. Come here. Come here, harold. Come -- where are the rest of the guys? Oh, they're up at rock reef point, uh, you know, carving on rocks -- that kind of thing. I made -- I made stone-baked pizza for everyone. Oh, my gosh. Yep. Gonna be cooked by high noon. Wow. Well, maybe harold and I will have a piece of that later, 'cause we do want to talk to you about rocks, you know, and if you were gonna, say, do some carving or maybe make like a mount rushmore type of thing, whatever it was you had in mind. You guys are making a mount rushmore? Well, yeah, but we're doing it with famous canadians. Yeah. That's why you came to me? Well, yeah, because we thought, you know, this rock thing -- okay. What? What? All right, I'm gonna be immortalized in stone, I guess. No. [ chuckles ] gosh. A man who never abandoned his post, a man who never lost faith, ranger gord, his head 100 feet high, solid rock. Yeah, that part sounds right. Okay, well, a lot of the rock around here is igneous rock. Oh, yeah. Part of the canadian shield. It's granite -- perfect for carving. And what about the rock up at rock reef point? Well, most of that is mica, sandstone, and limestone. Wow. Yeah, it was formed from the waste of the quarries that used to be around here. Oh, so if you tried to carve that stuff... Whoop. Landslide. Oh, boy, harold, we got to go. No. No, what -- what about the pizza?! [ splat! ] red: Ugh! Ohh. J-just have some off your shoe! It's "male call"! [ bell ringing ] whoo! All right, we got a letter here. Here's the first letter. Oh, it's from neil baron of mount pearl, newfoundland, and neil poses a number of questions. But the one that struck my fancy was, uh, "dear red green, what is your favorite power tool?" oh. That's a -- that's a tough one, neil, 'cause, uh, you know, they say there's a right tool for every job -- exception being harold here. But you really have to clarify what the work is before you can pick your favorite tool. For example, you wouldn't want to build, say, a dock with a lathe. Maybe the most versatile tool would be a good choice -- you know, like an electric drill. It has a variety of applications. Yeah, okay. Most definitely an electric drill would be my choice. Most definitely. He's not asking you, harold. Okay, true enough, you know. But I was just -- you know, I'm thinking. I'm suggesting a, you know, electric drill as a suggestion. You know, that's just what I'm thinking, just, you know, electric drill. Well, suddenly, I'm thinking pile driver. Now, neil, there are really, uh, two components to your major power tool. You got the rotational spin, and you got the forward impact. Now, there's a thing called a roto-hammer or a hammer drill that actually combines these two forces. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I saw one of those! Yeah! It goes, "whooboom! Whooboom! Whooboom! Whooboom! Whooboom!" it's got, like, a bit and a chisel. Oh, "whooboom! Whooboom! Whooboom!" so cool, right?! No one cares, harold, what you saw. So, neil, you get yourself the big-frame roto-hammer, take that electric motor off there, throw that one into the lake, and stick on, say, a slant six out of a '63 valiant. Clamp her down with the big muffler clamps on there, and I'll tell you, you got one heck of a power tool on your hand there, fella. Be a little hard to handle, wouldn't it? Well, you don't have to run her for long. And remember -- remember, neil, let the weight of the tool do the work, all right? And, uh, send us a picture if you try this, 'cause, actually, I just thought of it right now. I don't think you should lead our viewers on like that. Just a little harmless fun, harold. Yeah, well, what if somebody gets hurt? Well, it's harmful fun, then. What about -- what if somebody sues you? All right, an electric drill. Red: One of my favorite hobbies today -- model-airplane flying on "adventures with bill." took me two years to build this, uh, particular model that I have right here, but bill's -- bill's here now. Thank you, bill. Now, you don't want to get upset sometimes when things happen, because look what he's done here. Look what he's done. Look what he's done. He's brought a repla-- an assembly. I'm thinking, "hey, I didn't like that old plane anyhow." all right. [ chuckles ] who cares, huh? [ laughs ] uh, what? What? Oh. Oh, I-I mis-- I guess I -- well, all right. All right. Anyway, a great plane. Doesn't matter whose it is, huh? The thing with a hobby is it's a great idea of relaxing, takes your mind off your worries. You can go out there and just -- bill takes a turkey baster out of his jacket, which makes sense. And I'm trying to fool around with the radio control. It doesn't have the strings or the wires. This is one of these fancy units, but she doesn't seem to be re-- couple of funnels there to get the gas in. He's got her gassed up, and I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with the controller, and I think it's the batteries on that. You know, I think when you leave the batteries in there for over seven, eight years, with the humidity, and -- bill, I think maybe you were a little premature on -- that was a little premature starting. I think you were early on that one. I'm trying to show him the bat-- with bill, anything he doesn't understand, he licks, which can be a dangerous, dangerous habit. Anyway, up she goes, the plane, and then she's turned around and she starts heading back towards us and takes off and everything, and now, like, as they say, you know, with a hobby, I think you're getting out in the outdoors, you're getting some exercise there, and you get to experience, you know, some bonding and spending more time together, and, you know, it gets the heart going, gets the blood pumping. Bill suddenly realizes what he needs is another radio controller, so we got one in the back of the van there, and I guess one's as good as the next. And he started flicking that around, and, uh, no, no. That's not the right -- no. What the heck? No. No, no, get rid -- all right. All right. No problem. But as I say, you get a chance to think and be innovative and come up with other solu-- here's another radio controller. We got tons of them in there. And this one I think is gonna -- what? Uh, I don't -- I don't -- that's a -- oh, that's -- he's turned it into a car. And, uh, as I say, a hobby can be relaxing and kind of get your frustrations out. Where are you going, bill? Where are you going? Where are you going? Stay tuned while dalton gives us all the finger and I experience the loneliness of the long-distance poet. Well, the big sculpture project up at rock reef point is moving ahead okay. We find that when you're doing -- painting a picture or perhaps doing a sculpture of a canadian famous person, you'd better to stay kind of noncommittal on who it is until you see how she turns out. Boy, by the time you guys are finished with rock reef point, it's gonna look like rock reef speed bump. That type of rock is very hard to work with, harold. We had sir charles tupper just about completely done, and then we knocked off a real important bit, and now he's margaret trudeau. Well, maybe you shouldn't try doing so many. You know, just stick with the one you got on the very end there. That looks just like john diefenbaker. That's anne murray. What? Whoo! Boy, she's let herself go. I don't know. I don't think, uh, works of art should be this hard. Are we doing something wrong, harold? Oh, yes -- always. I think you should get the proper equipment and the proper materials. And, you know, it's oftentimes when people are doing sculptures, it's best if those people know how to, say, sculpt, like, say, a sculptor. Harold, you take the fun out of everything. No, I take the danger. That's what I just said. [ squeaking ] red: "my snowmobile" by me. Roaring along on my snowmobile, throttle wide open, zooming over the hills, sailing down the gullies, smashing into a hidden rock, careening through a rail fence, tearing up a stand of shrubs, cartwheeling off the roof of a barn, and finally coming to rest 26 feet up a pine tree. Golly, that's 4 feet higher than last year. [ zip! ] red: We're out here by the main highway at humphries everything store to show you people the art of bartering, where I'm gonna trade some of these collectibles and so on to get myself some tools that we can use on our sculpture up at rock reef point. All righty, dalton, ready to do some bartering? Yeah, yeah, I guess. Yeah. Okay. This here belonged to my grandfather. Is that worth anything, do you think? Well, if it is, don't tell your kids. They'll just take the money, waste it, and spend it on something stupid. Yeah. All right. Uh, this actually was part of the original homestead, you know. Yeah. Yeah. I've seen tons of them. Sold brand-new in 1900 for 30 cents. And what would it be worth now, would you think? 30 cents. It's scrap. Oh. Of course, I bet my daughter'd spend 50 bucks on it. Is she around? You know, it used to be people didn't throw money away. Today's kids just spend it willy-nilly, and who pays? The parents! Not the daughters. No, sir. You know that my daughter took my money and -- and bought two burnt-out cars and a darn tour bus! Probably bought them for scrap iron. To live in! Oh. Yes! Oh, yes! She and the guy she's seeing are gonna weld them together and live in them. Without heating, without lighting, without a marriage license. What do you think of that, red?! Well, now, when I answer those kinds of questions, I either end up getting punched or driven home in a cop car. Tell you what, though, dalton -- I could take those vehicles off your hands. We'll strip them for parts. Like to strip her boyfriend for parts. No, I'm thinking we could use the car parts for our sculpture. Got to be easier than carving, right? I could use the car parts as parts of the faces. Like that christo guy does with the bed sheets. Yeah? Well, what'll you give me for them? Well, I'll give you everything I brought. Well, that's not worth anything. Well, that's how barter works. We're trading things of equal value here. It's a deal. Great. Actually, I'm up 30 cents. [ chuckles ] [ creaking ] we came that close to a huge success turning rock reef point into the canadian mount rushmore. I heard old man sedgwick got nailed by a greyhound bus grille. No, but we came that close. Boy, you should have seen it, harold. We had car grilles for teeth. We had trunk lids for ears. We had headlights for eyes. And when you waved at it, they'd flick up onto the high beams. There's something odd about seeing dr. Norman bethune made out of bricklin parts. And sir wilfrid laurier looked like one of the power rangers. Oh, it was beautiful. Art, entertainment, and the history of transportation all into one attraction. The only thing we left out was gravity. Oh, no. No, no. Gravity was there. Yeah, really. Especially. Boy, I'm telling you. You know, we should have attached things a little more securely. Duct tape is good, but it's not that good. Luckily, nobody was hurt. Except the beach. All that scrap metal all over the place looked like the cover to a neil young cd. Well, that stuff won't be there long. The waves really pound in over there. You're gonna let that scrap metal dissolve into possum lake? Good for it, harold. It's iron. Popeye would be real happy with possum lake. Yeah, 'cause it looks so much like "olive oyl." [ laughs ] [ screeching ] oh, it's meeting time, uncle red. Yeah, you go ahead, harold. I'll be down in a little while. Okay. If my wife is watching, I've come to realize that if you're going to sculpt the human form, you have to study the human form, so I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I may not know art, but I know what I like. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. Until next time, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ screeching ] [ indistinct conversations ] all rise. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Okay, we have a presentation. No, no, don't leave. Red: If you'd like to become a member of possum lodge and you got 3 bucks to blow, you can either mail it to the address here on the screen or dial 1-800-ypossum.